My daughter posed a question last week that pierced the Back-to-School haze. She asked me how she could prevent a boy from raping her. My daughter’s only 8 years old. Naturally, I asked her what she thought “rape” meant. In the past, I could rely on her defining complex terms and words with remote accuracy. So all that was required from me was to make the necessary adjustments I thought appropriate for her age and adhere to the sage advice “Answer the question she is asking with the facts, not sophisticated concepts because that’s not what she’s asking for”. Afterwards, I was pleased with myself and relieved at how easy it was to answer her questions simply, without much detail. I also marveled at how quickly she transitioned to a new impending question she had like, did I believe in fairies.
This time, though, was different. She delivered a dead-on definition of rape that made me wince. Turns out, a girl she met at Summer Camp informed her that she had been raped by her Stepfather, giving details on how he restrained her. We talked about it for a good amount of time and I could sense her mounting anxiety over the realization that someone “could” overpower her into submission, hurt her, and more. She kept asking me how she could prevent something like this from happening to her, and soon enough we were head-on discussing other issues concerning coercion and abuse, like bullying at school.
I called my daughter’s Pediatrician and we discussed some strategies to help her cope. He supported my idea to find books my daughter and I could read together, as a foundation from which to build upon. I was pleased to learn that some of the books my daughter had already read as required reading in elementary school. Here are some recurring themes and strategies we’ve read about so far:
Respect
- Self-respect and giving respect to others.
- How to get it and give it.
- What it feels like to be disrespected.
Self-Advocacy
- Gaining confidence and courage to speak out and ask questions.
- Setting boundaries.
- How to handle when boundaries are crossed.
- Listening to and honoring your “gut”.
- Defending yourself.
- Bullying; what it means and how to handle.
- How to say “no”.
Communication
- Opening up about your feelings with adults and friends.
- Listening skills.
- Seeking out caring adults who will listen and talk over problems, feelings, and confusing situations with you.
As I put my daughter on the bus this morning for her first full-day of school, I felt more assured that I’d done my homework and that we’re both better prepared for what lies ahead.
Lesson learned? It’s never too-early to start talking with your child about abuse because if we don’t, someone else will. Below is a suggested reading list I’ve provided to assist with the initiation of that dialogue categorized in ages ranging from Pre-K through Young Adult, with the help of Suzanne Harrison-Thomas, Children’s Librarian, Milford Public Library, and Sharon Breslow, Children’s Librarian, BA, MLS at the Bridgeport Public Library.
Cynthia Dartley is Publisher/Editor of Macaroni Kid, a FREE weekly newsletter featuring recipes/crafts, events and activities for kids and their families. Follow her on Face Book, Twitter andPinterest.
From The Fairfield Patch
Young Adult Fiction
Bauer, Michael Gerard. Don’t call me Ishmael; 2007. Fourteen-year-old Ishmael Leseur is certain that his name is the cause of his unhappy school life as the victim of the worst bully in his class, but when a new boy arrives, he shows Ishmael that things could be different.
Vachss, Andrew. Heart transplant; 2010. The gripping story of young boy’s transformation from bullied ‘outsider’ to true manhood. Clinical social worker Zak Mucha offers the anchoring non-fiction essay, explaining in detail what the reader has just experienced.
Bullyville by Francine Prose
Burger Wuss by M.T. Anderson
Burn by Suzanne Phillips
Young Adult Non-Fiction
Cornered: 14 stories of bullying and defiance; 2012.
Courtney Macavinta & Andrea Vander Pluym. Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed. Helps teen girls get respect and hold on to is no matter what—at home, at school, with their friends, and in the world.
Young Adult Graphic Novel
Castellucci, Cecil & Jim Rugg. The Plain Janes; 2007.
Jane goes looking for friends outside of the in-crowd and discovers a lunch table of loners who are really creative and adventurous art lovers.
Juvenile Fiction (roughly 3rd-7th grade)
Madison, Lynda. American Girl, American Girl Library. The Feelings Book: The Care & Keeping of Your Emotions
Girls’ mental health is the focus of the book, a companion volume to The Care & Keeping of You. Opening sections explain emotions, others suggest how to handle powerful feelings and focus on developing positive self-esteem. Girls’ comments and questions appear throughout.
Blume, Judy. Blubber; 1974. Jill goes along with the rest of the fifth-grade class in tormenting a classmate and then finds out what it’s like when she, too, becomes a target.
Choldenko, Gennifer. If a Tree Falls at Lunch Period; 2007. Kirsten and Walk, private school students, share how race, wealth, weight, and other issues shape their relationships as they and others stand up to a mean but influential classmate.
Clements, Andrew. Jake Drake bully buster; 2001. When Jake was three years old at Miss Lulu’s Danity Diaper Day Care Center, what did he know about bullies? Nothing. But he learned fast–too fast! Why? Because Jake is kind of smart, and he’s not a tattletale, and he doesn’t have a big brother to protect him…
Duffey, Betsy. How to be cool in the third grade; 1993. When Robbie York is marked as a target by a bully at school, he decides that the only way to survive the third grade is by being cool.
Flores-Galbis, Enrique. 90 miles to Havana; 2010. When unrest hits the streets of Havana, Cuba, Julian’s parents must make the heartbreaking decision to send him and his two brothers away to Miami via the Pedro Pan operation. But when the boys get to Miami, they are thrust into a world where bullies seem to run rampant and it’s not always clear how best to protect themselves.
Van Draanen, Wendelin. Secret identity; 2004. Fifth-grader Nolan Byrd, tired of being called names by the class bully, has a secret identity–Shredderman!
Chapter Books (5th grade-middle school)
Starting School with the Enemy by Elisa Carbone
Schooled by Gordon Korman
Chapter Books (2nd grade-5th grade)
Calvin Coconut: Trouble Magnet by Graham Salisbury
EllRay Jakes is Not a Chicken by Sally Warner
Jake Drake, Bully Buster by Andrew Clements
Juvenile Non-Fiction
Burstein, John. Why are you picking on me? : Dealing with bullies; 2010. Bullying is one of the scariest and potentially damaging negative behaviors children can face. Slim Goodbody helps young students learn to recognize the different kinds of bullying and presents strategies for dealing with even the toughest situations.
McGraw, Jay. Jay McGraw’s life strategies for dealing with bullies; 2008. This guide helps kids identify potentially harmful situations and deal with bullies through tips, techniques, and examples that apply to real-life situations.
The Care and Keeping of Friends, American Girl Library
The Feelings Book: The Care & Keeping of Your Emotions, by Dr. Lynda Madison, American Girl
*DVD, elementary grades (also available as a book) Bullies Are a Pain in the Brain (Trevor Romain)
JJ Fiction (roughly pre-K to grade 3)
Binkow, Howard. Howard B. Wigglebottom learns about bullies; 2008. Howard B. Wigglebottom is a young rabbit who is bullied at school and finally decides to tell his teacher.
Elanor Estes, The Hundred Dresses
Henkes, Kevin. Chrysanthemum; 1991. Chrysanthemum loves her name, until she starts going to school and the other children make fun of it.
Howe, James. Pinky and Rex and the bully; 1996. Pinky learns the importance of identity as he defends his favorite color, pink, and his friendship with a girl, Rex, from the neighborhood bully.
Shaw, Hannah. Sneaky weasel; 2008. A sneaky weasel finds that his tricks have left him with plenty of power, lots of fancy stuff, and absolutely no friends. Can this very bad weasel learn how to be good?
Picture Books (preK & early elementary)
Freckleface Strawberry and the Dodgeball Bully by Julianne Moore
Recess Queen by Alexis O’Neill
Bullies Never Win by Margery Cuyler
Hooway for Wodney Wat by Helen Lester
Tale of Sir Dragon: Dealing with Bullies for Kids (and Dragons) by Jean Pendziwol
Yo-Yo Man by Daniel Pinkwater
Leonardo the Terrible Monster by Mo Willems
Can You Say Peace? by Karen Katz
Thank you so much for writing this.
We had a similar incident at my daughter’s Summer Camp a few weeks ago, only my daughter was the rape survivor in this scenario. While being teased by other kids at camp about the fact that she doesn’t have a father, my eight year-old quietly explained that her dad was in prison because he had raped her.
All it took was that one word “rape” to cause a panic amongst the other Summer Camp parents, and I was asked by the camp administrators to instruct my daughter to never use the word rape, or discuss what had happened to her. This type of response is so common, even though it is truly detrimental to the years of therapy child sexual abuse survivors go through in order to feel empowered enough to do the very thing that prevents the abuse, speak out.
I wish the parents at our Summer Camp had reacted as you did, and turned this experience into a teaching tool. Kudos to you, for educating your child, while also supporting survivors like my daughter.
Hi there
These clips will be of interest to all. PLEASE share.
It is a reading of the children’s book Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept and a body safety song called My Body is MY Body.
http://youtu.be/4YjJ1MreZqs
http://youtu.be/LZE3LEl-Fj0>
Please tell me more
Hi there
These clips will be of interest to all. PLEASE share.
It is a reading of the children’s book Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept and a body safety song called My Body is MY Body.
http://youtu.be/4YjJ1MreZqs
http://youtu.be/LZE3LEl-Fj0>
If it was appropriate I would hope that you hoped to find the identity of the other little girl and report to the appropriate authorities.
Without minimising the importance of your conversation with your girl (I too have an 8 year old), and it was very important, I’d love to hear others stories of how their 8 year old boys came up to their mother, or more importantly, to their father and asked them how they go about ensuring they don’t rape a girl during their lifetime.
Because as much as we educate our girls, which would hopefully reduce their exposure to the potential to be raped, it is not girls who can eliminate “rape”. The responsibility for getting rid of rape lies pretty much solely with boys and men.
I was raped by my Pediatrician numerous times as a child, imprisoned by him in a dark basement and subjected to several incidents of severe physical abuse. Today as an adult, I suffer from severe PTSD. I am not sure that a Pediatrician is the best person to go to for advice on ANYTHING that pertains to your child, particularly since their first mission is to make a profit for themselves.